Monday, August 20, 2012

37 Weeks

Well I don't have a picture for you this week...but i got a story--well an experience, if you will, instead--along with some thoughts and here goes.

It's no secret to most of those near me that this pregnancy has really had me on an emotional roller coaster.  I don't really remember it being this way with the twins.  Maybe the other physical problems with them outweighed any emotional issues--but this time they are out and blaring.  Can i get an "amen" from my husband?  

Anyway, without getting into some parenting debate about what's a mountain and what's a molehill...picking battles...and even worse the feared Cry It Out's what happened. 

Nora didn't eat her dinner.  Any of it.  and well although that isn't unusual, it is a source of irritation and tears from time to time.  Mike and I are learning to not let it get to us as much, although we do still think eating good foods is important and believe there should be consequences when she doesn't even try. 

So we were eating earlier than usual and they had a big day of playing hard--inside and outside.  They have been extra sweet and obedient all day and Mike and I decided to let them watch a movie after dinner.  We told them, "when you finish eating, we'll watch a movie".  and boy do they LOVE movies.  As expected, Holden ate every last bite.  Nora on the other hand hardly swallowed 2 bites, neither of those two being a vegetable or meat--and lets face it.  Two pasta noodles doesn't count.  We told her if she didn't try to eat she couldn't watch.  I really thought that would be motivation enough--but tonight it just wasn't. 

If you know my daughter, you can probably imagine what happened next.  If you don't know her, let me paint you a picture.  
--there sitting in her chair was my beautiful sweet daughter, her wide eyes staring straight into mine, with a mouthful of half chewed pasta and green beans, bottom lip quivering and tears silently falling out of her eyes.  She KNOWS she didn't do what we expected, and she KNOWS she won't get to watch the movie.  

And the thing is, the majority of the time she's a super obedient child.  So there were no fits, no loud crying or screaming.  She got down off her chair, followed me up the stairs and into her room...she crawled into her bed and i tucked her in.  More silent tears started to fall.  I talked to her for a second, telling her Mommy and Daddy would miss her and we really wished she would have eaten her food so she could watch her movie.  We prayed and she cried a little louder at that point.  I kissed her and told her goodnight--walked out the door, my own heart breaking with hers.  

What! Heart Broken!?! OVER A DINNER NOT EATEN AND A MISSED MOVIE!   what is wrong with me?  Not pregnant, this would not be affecting me this way.  Usually, I let my kids cry and learn their lessons without letting my emotions get involved.  In general, with most discipline issues i'm not the usual bleeding heart mommy--i definitely lean towards the "no non-sense" approach.   

Anyway, from there it only got worse.  For the first time EVER my sweet, tender-hearted daughter (who may i just interject here--i did not expect her to turn out this way.  She was a tough baby--hard to console, irritable, not loving at all.  I just knew she was gonna give me a run for my money--i had the strong-willed child book ready and waiting... ha.  not even close) cried out "mommy" over and over in between sobs, while laying in her bed just as i left her.  And can I just tell you....this 37 weeks pregnant, very emotional momma Could. Not. Stand It.  It is one thing to hear your child cry, it's a whole different ball game to hear her cry out especially for you--calling your name.  I think for the first time in these almost 3 years i looked at Mike and asked him what i should do.  We sat there and talked about how she needed to learn her lesson and how I can't just go up there and make it all better and hold her--we have to stick to what we say--be what we say we're going to do.  That's how you build trust and teach your children.  But the crying got louder.  I couldn't take it.  I caved (with my sweet husband's consent of course). 

I went upstairs, sat by her bed, held her hand and talked to her. I explained what happened again, explained why Mommy and Daddy had to put her to bed.  I acknowledged she was sad and she looked up at me and reiterated "Mommy, Nora sad".  Break. my. heart. again.  I resisted the urge to pick her up and hold her.  But instead readjusted her favorite lovies, tucked her in again, and told her i loved her.  She still had tears in her eyes, but took one hand and reached out to my face and touched my cheek, she told me she loved me and sweet dreams, then snuggled up to Meow and closed her eyes.  I walked out again, and that was it.  Not a sound.  

Success?? who knows? will she eat tomorrow?  who knows?   But that's really not the point of all of this.  the point is I am 37 weeks pregnant and my emotions are playing with my head.  I can't tell the big problems from the small, i can't keep my heart from messing with what i know is right.  Really.  This is driving me crazy.  

I look back at posts i had from when i was pregnant with the twins.  They were funny.  I had ridiculous stories, and funny experiences. It's definitely a different ball game this time.  Maybe it's the time---we did just move away from our home and friends of 6 years, we're in a new town trying to make new friendships and connections,  we're working hard trying to get a house just perfect (though it's hardly so) all before this baby comes, all while trying to find a balance with our families and friends just a few hours away now and still find time to spend together just the 4 of us --having some fun times as well as trying to create a routine so the kids can have a since of security and a feeling of home again.  

It's a lot.  

It's also what Army Life is all about. And i know that. 

Add on an emotional pregnant have me right now. 

and that my friends is probably the biggest reason for my blogging drought.  It'll pick up again, as will I.  Just give me time to settle--which may still be awhile, i'm aware.  

I gotta give a shout out to the best husband in the world.  He's been great. Trying to be as supportive as possible to me, as well as picking up the slack where i physically can't do so much anymore, all the while learning his new job and doing house project after house project.  He's our real life energizer bunny.  and i love him.  a lot.  


Ada said...

I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Henry. It still breaks my heart when she cries for me. Her and Nora sound VERY similar. It is hard to discipline when they only do one thing wrong all day and in your head you know you are doing the right thing, but your heart does break! I think there is a bit of feeling like your lives will never be the same after the baby (in a good way) but it will never just be you and the twins. I think my emotions were very much about almost mourning the end if this stage and realizing that ada is growing up and fretting over he adjustment and worrying how I would handle the added crazy. Honestly - even after pregnancy - even now- I am more tender hearted and more emotional than before. I am not sure why - but I have learned to just cuddle when she needs to cuddle (stay firm in her punishment) but just give her te extra love/encouragement for the next time she has to make a decision. You are such a good momma and those kids are so very lucky to have you! I hope your next few weeks go well and you have a easy/fast/wonderful labor:)

Anonymous said...

I totally know how your feeling. It is totally different when you have kids while pregnant too. Emotions are all over. Just hang on not too much longer!

Unknown said...

Love you too babe! Thanks for the shout out!