Six

A little unexpectedly.  As unexpectedly as something could be in the Army.  Another deployment has come down upon our family.

I'll admit it.  I was angry. Then I ignored it.  But it's right here on us and i can't ignore the inevitable.  I find myself constantly counting the days, the weekends, the free time. There's just not enough time and it's impossible to be prepared. There's too many people to see, too many things to do.

I'm in a weird mix of acceptance and anxiety.  I've been calmer about it all this time around.  I remember the first time i ever watched Mike walk away from me for a deployment.  I was 18. I'll never forget the baseball hat on his head and the camo backpack on his back walking down the hotel hallway--all through my tear-filled eyes--I could hardly breathe, the pain was so strong. That was 11 years ago now.  I remember thinking the leaving could never get easier, how could someone get used to this kind of hurt?

I don't know if it's any easier.  I know my life is not--it couldn't be more messy and full than it is right this minute.  Maybe I'm just stronger now or maybe I'm a little bit harder.  I imagine it's a little of both.

Now after 5 deployments, I know what to expect. I know life goes on.  I know i'll adjust.  I know there will be hard days.  I also know there will be good days.  I  know our relationship will change...again. I know i'll step up--do things i don't want to do.  I know i'll be sad. I know the twins will be confused, they will struggle.  I am grateful to know that Davis won't notice and won't remember--and if he's anything like the twins at that age, he'll openly accept his Daddy the minute Mike comes home. I know what it's like to spend important holidays/days apart. I know what it's like to deal with the constant frustrations of missed phone calls that can't be returned and awful internet connections that tease us and in the end leave us unsatisfied and even more alone. I also know i'll make some deeper friendships and come to rely on them to fill some of the holes in our lives that we've been left with.  I know.

I know.  And I don't want to.  But I will.

I don't want to miss another 9 months of life with the husband i chose to spend ALL of my life with.  but i will.

I don't want to parent 3 little ones on my own. but i will.

I don't want to spend another Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, First Birthday, 4th Birthday, 33rd Birthday, New Years, Valentines, and Easter separated from the man who makes those days fun. but i will.

I don't want to have to worry about my husband's safety.  but i will.

Looking back at each deployment, i see hurt--but i see growth.  I see how the Lord picked me up and carried me through.  I see how he put people in life, taught me things i may never have been taught otherwise.  I see how these deployments have been shaping me to who I am today.  I guess He sees that it's that time again.  There is more for my family to do.  More for us to give.  More for us to learn.

Even though this deployment was unexpected and a bit sudden, I see where I have been unknowingly preparing for it.  I've been reading a lot.  Working on myself a lot.  I could talk about this for ages.  Parenting--keeping my patience, finding joy in the middle of the mess, contentment in the midst of lack. Emotionally--keeping my "unglued" moments to a minimum, working through each moment and not falling apart. Spiritually-- learning to let God be big in my life--not people.  Not even my Husband.  How better to learn this? And in all of it--learn to give myself some grace when i fail. Cause i know i'm gonna fail.

I'm scared.  I'm reluctant.  But this is where we have been called.  Like Peter, I have to keep my eyes up, put one foot in front of the other and follow the path for which i have been called.  I have to trust that God is in control.

He has never failed me, and He won't start now.

These are lyrics from a song that gets me through each day.  A song that literally speaks to my soul.  A song that calms my anxieties--even if i have to put on repeat all day long.

These lyrics have become the prayer of my heart.

Oceans, Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep 
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters 
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name 
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine