Month.One

One month down.

It's been long and slow if i'm being honest.

We've been busy, i've hardly had a day to rest and when i think back to when Mike left exactly one month ago, it feels like it's been way longer.

One month down. Eight more to go.  Ugh.

Someone sent me this cute picture, said it reminded them of us.  It is a cute idea. I need a chalk-board wall and a clone of myself just to spend the time actually doing this.  But when I look at this picture, i think i could really use that girl's spirit.  She looks pretty happy--and it's the first month.  I like to tell myself she's a model.  She's definitely a model.  Right?

I'm gonna keep it real here. Not because I want to be a "Debbie Downer" but because this is just where we are right now and I'm really hoping to look back in a few months and see some real improvements.

But as for this past month. It's been a struggle. 

The twins have struggled with understanding what is going on.  I have struggled to find words. 

Mike I have have both struggled time and time again to keep it together during skype conversations when the twins ask where he is and why he isn't home. The pure honesty of a 3 year old child staring straight into the computer screen and saying "I want you to come back" rips my heart out. 

I lay my littlest down to bed every night and the ones i'm not actually exhausted beyond feelings, i struggle with getting wrapped up in thoughts that have no answers to and just make me sad.  Like how much change is taking place in his little body--and the baby Mike said goodbye to a month ago won't be a baby when he comes back.  It breaks my heart. 

It's been a struggle just to get everything done.  I'm not gonna lie, i've cried because i burnt the okra i was trying to cook for the kiddos--one of the only decent meals i had made for them all week...and then cried again when my vacuum went on the fritz during the 1 hour i had set aside to clean--while the kids were all miraculously otherwise occupied at the same time.  Then again, when i wasn't able to work out childcare to go to a consignment sale i really didn't want to go to in the first place (because i heard it wasn't that great). AND THEN cried again when a scheduling conflict forced me to have a conversation with a mean and impatient health care worker.  

Writing that last paragraph now makes me laugh at myself.  Silly stuff to cry over...but in the moment when stresses are high it can be hard to avoid.  I pray the next month will be easier and we really settle into a rhythm. I pray the tears will be less and the smiles will be more. 

But to leave on a good note--there have been good things too. I've seen so many friends over the past month as well as worked on building some new friendships too. I have had some unexpected kindnesses arrive at just the right moments to make us feel loved.  I've had great support from my family. I have a great best friend just a block down the road, always available for dinner, childcare and best of all sweet company. AND I have had a great month with my littles.  In between the busyness and adjustments, they have been funny and loving and so very good--it'd be hard to find 3 sweeter little children (of course i'm biased). I'm so very blessed to be their mommy. 

with their Daddy Dolls