i spoke to soon.
never be satisfied with where you are. right?
after my month.three post, some things changed.
first i got sick. and nothing is worse than being sick AND being the sole provider for your kids. i thought i'd been sick before i had kids and maybe i was. but what a joke that is. actually getting to lay in bed and sleep and let your body heal. right. like two almost 4 year olds and a 1 yr old care that you feel like you may roll over and die at any minute. they just want their pb&j's, or their shoes tied, or their favorite book read for the 5th time.
thankfully, i didn't roll over and die. physically, i got better. but my mind didn't quite keep up. still every little thing the kids did annoyed me--every toy sound, whine and tear grated my nerves. For days. And i wasn't nice about it. i snapped, i was impatient, i was visibly frustrated. I'd like to tell you it was just for one day, that i got them all in bed, had a night to recoup and then the next morning all was well...but that's not this story. For 4 mornings, i woke up in the funk i went to bed in.
So lets add guilt to that funk--because i know that what i'm feeling is wrong. i know i have 3 precious gifts upstairs. 3 little humans who need me and love me. why can it be so hard some days to conjure up the mothering instinct that should be there already? i mean it is an "instinct", right?
Then i got an email from my MOPS group. They are starting a new Bible Study--Desperate, by Sally Clarkson. Just the book i've been wanting to read for months now. I click on the link--see the words in huge font....for those who have ever whispered, "i just can't be a mom today". reading this made my stomach turn. months of wanting to do this study and those words hurt too much...hit too hard. I clicked the x. closed the window. no thanks, not today. i turned on some trash tv...
...and i cruised facebook. i came upon a link to a video that a fellow mom had posted. i am encouraged by her many days and respect her, so of course i clicked the link. the video was of some moms and how they viewed themselves as a mother. Then the video showed these moms' children and all of the wonderful things the kids had to say about their moms. my stomach turned again. i am certain after this week, my kids wouldn't have anything nice to say about me. i turned the video off.
Today i saw my friend at preschool drop off--she's a part of the bible study group i'm currently in. We meet this friday and i haven't started. if i'm being honest i had no intention. My friend sweetly told me that this week was really good and encouraged me to do it. enter more guilt.
i came home, cried a little bit, cause i'm tired and frustrated...with myself mostly. put the kiddos in bed for nap, came downstairs and watched a little more trash tv.
afternoon turned to evening...kids were playing, it was a beautiful evening...the doors were open and fresh air was blowing through...i was cooking dinner, cleaning up...all the usual, when i felt a push...stronger than the pull down into the pits of my pity and sadness that i'd been feeling for days. although in the depths of my soul these past few days i knew what i needed, i was still running from it--being pulled away from it. But we have a great God, a God who is stronger and greater than anything. And he loves me. He saves me.
it wasn't words for my ears to hear, but it was words spoken straight to my heart. "jess, stop running, you need this, you need me". and just like that--with my Bible before me and a notepad full of words that i hold most dear, i was restored.
i'm not making excuses, but the days aren't easy. i miss my husband. i get lonely. the weight of the responsibility on my shoulders is crushing at times. i want breaks--good, long ones where i don't feel guilty about pushing my kids on someone. but this is where i am right now. i'd probably be here from time to time anyway if mike was home. little ones are hard. being a mommy, devoting every minute of my day to them, it can be hard. it's easy to get lost. but we all get lost from time to time whatever season of life we are in.
I'm so thankful for the Lord who does not let me stay lost. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
I hear you God. Thank you.
**i'd like to clarify "trash tv". don't worry i'm not watching something awful...just some GH, Nashville, Greys...ya know. but let's be clear, i may like these shows, but it's not like they are bettering my life and mind in any way...hence, the trash tv :)