Sunday, April 21, 2013

This Season

I'm having a strange day--a little woe is me day.  I'm warning you now.

Military life. It has got its good sides.  Of course with that comes the bad.  Moving and starting over new is hard.  Yes, there's the logistical headaches of it all, but i'm talking emotionally.  I was really pretty lucky to have had it so easy in Hawaii.  Real lasting relationships were made easily.  I really felt we had a home there.  We've been in Fayetteville for coming up on a year now and i still feel like i'm just waiting around, living day to day and just haven't found my place and for whatever reason, today, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I've always had lots of friends and lots of things i've been involved in.  Friendships have always been important to me.  I crave girl time, both for the fun times as much as the sweet heart-connecting moments.  As i look back on my life there aren't many times where i haven't had a close-knit group of friends to lean on. I've been blessed.

I've also always been busy.  I guess i still am, but in a much different way.  Motherhood has kept me busy, but it's also kept me somewhat isolated.  I am tethered to the house with lots of little bodies to nap and feed around the clock.  That's okay. I chose this.  I also know this time in my life will be short. I try to give myself some grace here.  I don't need to do more than what i'm doing right now.  Serving, volunteering, getting plugged in to all sorts of groups.  That stuff can wait.  I'm doing enough right now.  Being a mom can be enough.

I believe there are seasons in life.  Seasons of fun, friendship, heartache, growth, family and prosperity, etc.  I'd say i'm somewhere around family and growth.  and that's not a bad place to be.    Growth is good and needed, and i'm so thankful for it.  I hope i am always learning and striving to be better.  Family...well, it's the best.  and i'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Where the heart problem lies is outside of my home.  in this community.  i don't feel connected.  i haven't found a group to really belong to.  don't get me wrong.  i've met some great people.  i'm just struggling with getting beyond the surface.

in a bible study i go to, we've been reading the book When People are Big and God is Small.  I wouldn't say i've enjoyed everything about this book--but i have found parts interesting, or maybe i should say convicting.  the author talks a lot about not putting so much weight in our relationship with other people.  i should be finding my happiness and value in Him.  This means that someone else's words or actions shouldn't have the power to ruin my day.  This also means that just because i don't have a lot of close friendships right now that i should feel lonely and unconnected. If i'd let God be big enough in my life--i wouldn't couldn't feel lonely.  He is the ultimate friend.  it's feasible to believe that God actually has put me in this place, at this time to teach me that i don't need a million things to do and i don't need to be surrounded by a ton of people to be happy.  I have Him. I also have a loving husband, 3 beautiful children, a best friend and an extended family just a few hours away.  That's a lot.  Geez.  When i list it like that i sound outright silly.  Cause if that's all i ever had, that should be enough.

My head hears it, now just tell my heart.

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