Here we go again

I've been sitting here staring at this blank screen, not sure what to say or where to start--it seems impossible to get out in words exactly what i'm feeling. For the most part this blog is a means to show off my adorable babies and before them, the cool things we've done on the island. There aren't too many times i lay my heart out on here, but i guess there's not much point in being fake.

Yesterday, Mike's leaving really sucked. It was the hardest day i can ever remember having. I guess that's saying something in itself--i mean, I'm really very blessed and that's what i try to tell myself whenever i'm feeling super sad about things--you know "there are worse things". Still even in knowing that, just like in all other sadnesses--the best way to deal with it is to let it come, feel it, process it and then work yourself out of it the best way you can.

Deployments are old news...or at least they should be. We're now 5 goodbye's in and you think it would get easier, but i haven't found that to be true yet. If anything every year i am with Mike the closer we get and the more i depend on him and then inevitably the more it hurts when he leaves--who knew how much worse it would be with kids. Well, maybe some of you did, but here's what i thought.

As a childless, careerless wife of a deployed soldier, the last deployment felt as if i was just floating along--that i didn't have any real purpose. I desperately wanted children--someone to wake up to every day, take care of, get hugs from, fill my quiet house up with voices and laughter. Sure i knew that the day to day single-parent lifestyle would be tough, but i really thought it would outweigh the loneliness.

What i didn't expect was the overwhelming sadness that comes with bringing kids into a deployment. I hate that the babies are missing out on such a great father. I know that they may not remember years from now that Daddy was gone for a while, but it's still an evident change in our household. When Mike would walk in the door after work their faces would light-up --he made bedtime and bathtime fun and he always seemed to come in to take my place as the patient parent just as my own patience was wearing thin at the end of the day. I believe God intended families to have a mother and a father for a reason--the absence of a father even at a young age can have consequences and so i am sad for my babies.

I also am sad for Mike. I can't imagine missing everything he is going to miss. I don't even want to think about it--it's hard to even know that i will be experiencing all these milestones without him to share it with.

And then of course i am sad for me. Talking with a friend, we joked it probably wouldn't be so hard on me if Mike wasn't such an excellent husband and father. But the reality is his presence will truly be missed. We attacked everything as a team, and now everything i do and everything i see in this house is a reminder of his absence.

So, what to do?

I don't know really. Right now, just deal with things minute by minute and don't get overwhelmed with what's going to happen tonight, tomorrow, next week or next month. It'll get better, it always does. I just need to settle down and find a new rhythm something that works for us as a family--learn how to be a single-parent and make sure that my sweet babies don't miss out on anything.

But no matter how well we cope, until our sweet Daddy is back home with us there will always be something missing.

**I do want to thank those of you who thought of us this past week and called or sent messages. Even if we didn't get back to you, you words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated. Our family is so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family.